Ah well.. [Ethical Madness]

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I broke up with my girlfriend. I don't love her anymore. She,of course, will not believe that I don't love her anymore but honestly, I don't care anymore either. My head hurts like mad, I feel like shit because of it. I wish I can find someone else but that's a bit tough as there are no lesbians in my school and I don't know anyone outside school.
I realized Luke (skytrail) is the only one posting around here and I thank him for that.

Mood::

bitchy

Music:: Don't stay - Linkin Park

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There are 5 comments on this entry. (Reply.)

Mh. I have a weird problem with my sexuality. Most of the girls I know are either lesbians or at least bisexual, but then, as it is so, it's not like it is enough. When we have the ability to make choices, I'm left alone. I'm not so brave or anything.

And last time I had a girlfriend (around Christmas) I was left very disappointed. For one week it was nice. The sex was great and she looked beautiful. Then reality hit me. Reality is a bitch.

She dumped me then, a month or so after that, left with another girl. And I realised I was more jealous about that girl. Just too many lesbians around me, I guess.

Tried to be straight, for a while, too. It was kind of fun, but I didn't get anything with that. I can have fun with guys, but a deeper relationship sounds like a joke.

Relationships suck.

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I have a weird problem with my sexuality too. And relationships definitely suck and reality is definitely a bitch. And I was very disappointed in this relationship, but not by her, really. I'm beginning to think I have too many expectations from others.
I had two boyfriends (imagine that). I had one when I was 11 (!) and it lasted five months (!) and I had the other when I was almost 12(!) and it lasted (to my supreme surprise) 2 years (!!!). I have a very big problem because I put too much of myself in relationships, and that sucks big time because I'm usually the one that gets her heart ripped. This time, I broke up with her because it just wasn't working even if I still love her. Shit, I don't think I really know what love is. And who said I'm brave? I'm not. I'm scared as shit of falling in love, which I always end up doing.*sighs*
I think you're much more brave than I am, actually.
And I still feel like shit.
Maybe I really expect too much from others. i don't know. I'm too young for all this crap. And I was always too mature for my age, and making my poor parents desperate.
See you around Aurea.

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I've never had a boyfriend. It's strange, compared to that fact that many of the girls on my year had one when we were still 9 or 10 years old. Maybe I just never was that interested in them.

Everybody's always too young, I think. Nobody ever wants to get their heart broken. But she teached me something: it's always worth it. You don't realise it immediately, but it is. When you include it in your past, it metamorphoses into just another experience.

I spent three years to find absolute control over my mind and my body. Then I fell in love. She was my first girlfriend, and I think I was a complete asshole. I had too much control, I dared not to throw myself into the relationship. And now I regret it. Not much, but I do. I sook for perfection, didn't find it. Then it was over.

It's good to get your heart ripped. Then you can know it was whole, once. (This aforism is ripped from the wall of one toilet in my school.)

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It probably is worth it, but well..I just don't want to fall in love anymore because it's obvious I don't know how to handle a relationship. Maybe I am just a stupid freak of nature. I lost my optimism somewhere down the road, I used to be way more positive about things before. The aforism is great, by the way. I never had control over myself or over a relationship or over my feelings. But I was an asshole, I admit. Damn, why the hell do I feel like I'm 60 years old? I fell old, old, old and like shit. I've always neede love, but now I don't want to even hear of it anymore, because I always fall in love like stupid. I made every mistake in all of my relationships. The first guy was an asshole that onloy wanted to fuck me, second was...well, it just didn't work out anymore and she...well, she was she. I hate myself. I don't hate them at all. just myself.
Sorry for the rant.
By the way, Aurea, I don't know if I'll be able to come here tomorrow so I'll wish you a happy birthday today. I hope you'll have a good time, because for some reason I always have a bad mood on my birthdays lately.
Have a great time!

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I have had problems in answering this, as you can see. I don't consider myself so wise I could give you any advice, but still, it feels like I had to.

And you can never get to the level of assholeness (What a word!) I used to be in. (I'm always better in everything... *Slaps herself around.*) Sweet words are easy, it's easy to make an innocent girl fall in love with you. Tell her you love her, give a couple of promises, a few loving kisses, and she'll be all yours.

And then you can cheat on her, you can test how long she believes you love her.

Love is a tricky bitch. But she is lovely, adorable, fantastic. She rewards you, but she also makes you cry. It's for the balance, I think. It's not nice, but it's necessary.

And my birthday. Well, it was ok. Lots of drunken people. (30th April is a traditional drinking day here in Finland.) And I was sober. I walked a lot, killed time in a train, was easily annoyed and all that.

I don't like birthdays. But at least I got presents.

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Ethical Madness

Ah well..

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